CLEVELAND, OH – Ohio’s fierce sports culture has officially become a government concern. Following several studies linking excessive crowd noise to minor structural shifts in major sporting venues, the state has passed the “Decibel Defense Act.” This law requires every large stadium to hire a team of Stadium Noise Analysts (SNAs).
SNAs use cutting-edge sonic dampening technology to manage and “tune” the crowd’s energy, ensuring the noise remains intimidating to opponents but safe for the infrastructure. This has created thousands of high-tech fan jobs, including:
- Atmospheric Roar Sculptor: Using directional speakers to control where the loudest cheers are focused.
- Mascot Energy Auditor: Ensuring the mascot’s movements generate optimal, yet safe, vibrational power.
- “O-H-I-O” Chant Traffic Controller: Coordinating the timing and volume of the famous cheer for maximum impact.
The Ohio State University’s School of Applied Acoustics now offers the required certification. Graduates get a good salary and a guaranteed front-row seat at all major games, making this the most thrilling safety job in America.