SEATTLE, WA – In a move blending the state’s mythical heritage with its wellness obsession, Washington has legalized the use of Certified Emotional Support Sasquatches (ESS) for high-stress tech and aerospace workers. This creates an immediate demand for Emotional Support Sasquatch Handlers (ESSH).
The ESSH is responsible for managing the Sasquatch’s diet (mostly organic berries and ethically-sourced fish), coordinating its daily forest walks, and guiding its non-verbal therapy sessions with stressed-out tech executives. Thousands of specialized roles are opening up, including:
- Furry Companion Groomer: Ensuring the Sasquatch’s coat is soft and huggable.
- Wilderness Empathy Translator: Interpreting the creature’s deep, resonant “hoots” into calming corporate advice.
- Trail Mix Alchemist: Designing balanced, high-protein snack mixes for long therapy hikes.
The Puget Sound Primate Academy offers the only accredited ESSH certification. Graduates earn six-figure salaries, provided they can maintain the strict confidentiality of their large, hairy, and surprisingly sensitive clients.