haniya.host@gmail.com CAMBRIDGE, MA – Due to the state’s deep history and dense concentration of century-old universities, Massachusetts has passed the “Spectral Integrity Act.” This law requires every major educational institution to employ a certified Academic Ghost Hunter (AGH) to ensure old, distracting spirits do not interfere with student study sessions or faculty research. AGHs use advanced … Read more
SEATTLE, WA – In a move blending the state’s mythical heritage with its wellness obsession, Washington has legalized the use of Certified Emotional Support Sasquatches (ESS) for high-stress tech and aerospace workers. This creates an immediate demand for Emotional Support Sasquatch Handlers (ESSH). The ESSH is responsible for managing the Sasquatch’s diet (mostly organic berries … Read more
PHOENIX, AZ – Arizona’s iconic Saguaro cacti are facing a new threat: existential loneliness. State biologists have determined that the ancient, slow-growing plants require regular psychological and emotional support to ensure longevity and prevent “desert despair.” This has created a massive, immediate demand for certified Saguaro Cactus Whisperers (SCWs). These specialists are trained in non-verbal … Read more
ICHMOND, VA – Virginia’s tech hub has collided with its deep historical roots, creating the new field of Historical Cyber-Preservation. The state has mandated that all new government and private data centers must employ Colonial Data Archivists (CDAs). CDAs specialize in encoding modern, complex digital information onto ultra-durable, laser-etched “digital parchment” and storing it in … Read more
NEWARK, NJ – In a radical move to enhance traveler experience, New Jersey has passed the “Sensory Turnpike Act.” This law mandates the hiring of Turnpike Aroma Curators (TACs) to manage, monitor, and chemically adjust the air quality and scent profile along the state’s busiest highways. TACs operate from specialized mobile labs, ensuring that the … Read more
ASHEVILLE, NC – North Carolina has enacted the “Forest Feedback Act,” requiring every major park and lumber operation to employ certified Whispering Pine Listeners (WPLs). Their unique role is to interpret the subtle sounds and vibrations of the Appalachian forests to detect early signs of tree stress, environmental shifts, or upcoming wind damage. WPLs use … Read more
DETROIT, MI – Michigan is tackling its notorious road problem by launching the ‘Smart Surface Initiative.’ This project has outsourced all road repair to advanced, self-driving vehicles known as Automated Pothole Fillers (APFs). These vehicles use thermal scanning to identify road damage and dispense a super-fast-curing polymer asphalt. This new fleet has created an urgent … Read more
CLEVELAND, OH – Ohio’s fierce sports culture has officially become a government concern. Following several studies linking excessive crowd noise to minor structural shifts in major sporting venues, the state has passed the “Decibel Defense Act.” This law requires every large stadium to hire a team of Stadium Noise Analysts (SNAs). SNAs use cutting-edge sonic … Read more
ATLANTA, GA – Georgia is merging its agricultural identity with its tech hub status by launching the Peach Pit Analytics (PPA) initiative. This program requires agricultural firms to hire Peach Pit Data Scientists (PPDS) to extract complex data from the inner shell of the peach pit. These scientists use tiny, specialized scanners to read the … Read more
PHILADELPHIA, PA – To protect its culinary heritage, Pennsylvania has passed a strict “Cheesesteak Integrity Law.” This mandates that every single restaurant, food truck, and corner deli selling the iconic sandwich must employ a certified Philly Cheesesteak Authenticator (PCA). The PCA’s job is crucial: they use specialized equipment to test the quality of the beef, … Read more